Perez Hilton Dying?

Perez posted the following to his blog tonight:

We've been sick for about 8 days now and very sick since this past weekend.

A doctor just came to our hotel room in Sydney.

Perez has a fever of 103 and pneumonia in his right long [think he meant lung but you never know].

We're still gonna update the website this week, but it's obviously not going to be as much as we normally do. Sorry.

The doctor prescribed us medicine and we hope to get better soon.

Our health is our number one priority at the moment.

Thanks for understanding!

Oh, I understand Perez. Get well soon you fucking faggot - without you the world would not be as amusing a place.

By the way, since Perez disabled comments for this particular post (cause he didn't want to be wished dead by half the civilized world) I figured I'd perform a public service by turning over my own comments section to those who would like to wish Perez well - or whatever. So, fire away...

(source)

Kiki Visits Today

Kirsten Dunst is back in America after the whirlwind Spider-Man 3 Euro tour, but that doesn't mean she's off the promotional trail. This morning, Kiki kicked off the U.S. leg of the travelling Spidey circus by paying a visit to the Today show - and wore a coat that made her look like a slightly whimsical flasher. "Check me out - I'm Kirsten Dunst." Um, no thanks hon.

Britney's Wig Almost Comes Off

Britney Spears was driving in a convertible with the top down, and her hat came off, and then her wig nearly came off too. And what did we learn from this story kids? That Britney is too stupid to understand that driving in a car with no roof puts you in jeopardy of losing your fake hair. Of course, having the roof up also makes it more difficult for the paps to get your picture. So she had to make the choice. Either that or she just doesn't know which button to push to make the roof come up.

"Dang, this thing has a roof too? That's crazy, y'all."

Nicole Richie Is An Asswad

Nicole Richie apparently thinks she's a big enough deal that she can now treat her fans like shit. When arriving in Australia this weekend for the big VMA presentation, Richie stunned admirers who'd assembled at the airport by not only shunning them, but having her security guards push people back while she hid behind a giant handbag. One disappointed autograph-seeker, Bianca Valodian of Sydney, said this about the experience:

We haven't slept in two days. It's pretty heartbreaking.

Yes Bianca, it is heartbreaking - to realize there are people in this world lame enough to not sleep for two days because they're so excited to see Nicole Richie. Do you folks not get that Nicole Richie is a completely vapid, useless piece of excrement, and that you make yourself look like utter fools when you treat her like she matters? When, oh when, will the airheads of this universe learn that the Parises, Nicoles, Mischas and Lindsays they worship all think they are peons, and would not piss on them if they were on fire? There's a reason people like Nicole treat folks like you with such disdain, Bianca - it's because they have not an ounce of respect for anyone. They're assholes.

(source)

Madonna Or Andy Warhol?

This is Madonna's new look. So is she deliberately going for an Andy Warhol thing? Whatever she's doing, I'm sure it's a rip-off of something someone did previously. And that someone was probably gay or at least gayish. Bitch hasn't had a single original idea in her whole absurd prude-baiting life.

Alba Sucks On Cash Warren

What is Jessica Alba preparing to do here?

A. Kiss her boyfriend Cash Warren.
B. Puke half-digested food into his mouth like a mother penguin.
C. Scream a really loud obscenity at him.
D. Start sucking his nose on the mistaken impression that it is in fact his penis.
E. Kill Cash with her snapping alien-like tongue-mouth.
F. Who cares, it's that boring-ass bitch Jessica Alba.

More Angelina Is Deathly Ill Reports

Initial rumors that Angelina Jolie had contracted a deadly illness were easy to dismiss, but these rumors have only become more persistent, and recent photos of Jolie looking frail have added further fuel to the fire. Now, the National Enquirer, which started the whole thing in the first place, is ready to stoke those flames, by reporting in more detail on Jolie's apparent symptoms. According to the tabloid, Jolie is suffering blinding headaches, has lost hair, and at a recent charity news conference, was seen to shake almost uncontrollably. And pictures from that very news conference would seem to at least partially bear out the notion that Jolie is not feeling well.



The rumor is now floating around, at least among my posters, that Angelina has leukemia. Who knows if this is true. All I'm sure of is that these "Angie's sick" stories have been circulating for a couple of weeks now, and haven't really been addressed by anyone in her camp. This leads Crabbie to believe that there may be something to the story, and they're just waiting for the right time to make a statement.

Also, according to the Enquirer, Brad Pitt plans on staying by Angelina's side through her illness, despite their relationship being otherwise moribund. So there you go Angie-haters - she got sick on purpose to hold onto Brad. It's right up there on the tee for you. Knock it out of the park.

(source)

Jessica Biel Under Obama's Spell

Starlet Jessica Biel attends a Barack Obama fundraising event. My goodness, what's happened to Jessica? It appears that Barack has placed her under his hypnotic spell.



Barack Obama's powers are great and mysterious. Look for the video of Jessica and Hillary's three-way with Scarlett Johansson on YouTube.

Something You Don't Often See - A Floating Cripple

ALS-ridden physicist Stephen Hawking fulfilled part of his dream of space-flight by taking a ride on a specially outfitted jumbo-jet that achieves zero-G conditions by describing big mid-air parabolas. Looks like he's having fun too. Unless that's his "just dropped a huge load in my man-diaper" face. Oh wait, how insensitive of me - I don't think Stephen's bowels work anymore. Damn, that guy's messed up.

The Aussie MTV Video Music Awards - Australian For Suck

Australians suck at many things - bathing, being sober, not stealing the Aborigines' lands - but the thing they apparently suck most at is holding awards shows. A case in point - this weekend's Australian MTV Video Music Awards. This thing had to be the lamest spectacle ever witnessed by human eyes. Seriously, even worse than Crocodile Dundee. Damn, that's pretty bad. I know...

Why am I talking to myself?

Back to the Australians. According to the Dirty Disher, all they do is drink beer and tell bad jokes. And if she had seen the Australian MTV Video Music Awards, she would've added, "and put on lame awards shows."

But now it's time for me to confess something - I saw not one second of the Australian MTV Video Music Awards. Even had I had access to it, I would not have watched it. I would sooner have allowed Cisco Adler to gently caress my cheek with his ballsack. Of course, you can say that I am in no position to criticize the Australian MTV VMAs, given that I didn't see it. But I disagree. All I need to know is who was at the Aussie MTV VMAs - that alone allows me to gauge the lameness of the event.

So what pathetic would-be celebs were at the Australian VMAs anyway? Andy Dick? Kathy Griffin? It's possible. However, I have no proof that they were there, so I'm going to assume they weren't. Anyway, the people who were there were bad enough. Like this useless whore:



Wow, the Australian VMAs snagged Nicole Richie. She must not have had tickets to the Coachella Valley Music Festival, where every other useless skank on earth was camped out for the weekend. And oh Nicole - would you stop with the peace-sign? Even Lindsay thinks that's lame now.

Just once I'd like to see...



Now what, bitch?

Oh, and Australia - Kristin Cavallari?



Actually, here's where you Aussies could earn your way into Crabbie's good graces. All you have to do is revoke Kristin Cavallari's passport. Just don't let her out of the country. And then, maybe, you could trump up some kind of charge - I don't know, practicing horrific skankery without a license or something - and just chuck her in jail for the next, I don't know, sixty years? You'd be doing us a great favor if you did. Oh, and while you're at it, do you think you could do something about this hopeless dipshit?



Did she make that outfit out of a shower curtain? The upholstery out of a banana-yellow '79 Aspen? And what the fuck is that award? A penguin? Who associates penguins with Australia? When I think of that country, all it conjures is Russell Crowe chucking phones at people, Steve Irwin dangling his baby in front of a hungry croc and Paul Hogan smiling at me from a beer ad. Oh, and lone riders of the post-Apocalyptic wastes sporting foot-tall spiked mohawks and assless leather pants.

(Just joking Aussies. You guys rock. No need to call Crabbie an ignorant American, or bash me for not respecting your culture.

Ha ha - as if Australia has any culture.

Kidding again.)

Lindsay Lohan Having Sex With Kimberly Stewart?

Here's a picture of Lindsay Lohan and Kimberly Stewart at the Coachella Valley Music Festival. Gosh, they're pressed awful tight together. You don't think they could be having sex do you?

Oh my God - Lindsay Lohan is having sex with Kimberly Stewart!

Which is more revolting, the above picture, or this one of Kimberly and ex Cisco Adler?



And here's one of Lindsay and Cisco:



And just to cleanse your minds, here's one of two rhinos having sex:

Boy George Arrested For Imprisoning Male Escort

Singer Boy George is in a heap of trouble after being accused by a male escort of kidnap, imprisonment and threatened torture.

The alleged victim, 28-year-old Norwegian Auden Carlsen, says he met Boy George on the homosexual dating website Gaydar, and was invited by the singer to go to his East London flat at midnight and pose for pictures. Once at the flat, however, George and another man allegedly slapped handcuffs on Carlsen and made him a captive. Said Carlsen to Britain's Star newspaper:

George said he was popping out for milk at 5am. I heard him come back and I walked into his bedroom wearing just my white underpants and a T-shirt. I was jumped on by George and another man. ... George handcuffed me to a hook by the bed as they held me down.

Carlsen says that, after the other man left, George took out some kinky sex toys and began threatening to physically harm him. It was then that Carlsen pulled the hook from the wall and fled, finally alerting police who arrested George on suspicion of assault and false imprisonment. George has since made bail, but when reached for comment, was predictably not available.

George, an '80s pop-icon who fell on hard times thanks to heroin addiction, has had other run-ins with the law, including a famous incident in which he was convicted of drug possession in New York, and sentenced to a community service stint that included picking up garbage on the streets of Manhattan. George has also had some well-publicized temper-tantrums, like the one last October that saw him verbally abusing a group of young people who taunted him at an awards show. And, in general, the guy is just a pathetic old queen who doesn't realize that no one gives a damn about him anymore. Like Elton John but with a sunnier disposition.

(source)

Breaking News: Lindsay Lohan Tells The Truth

Lindsay Lohan has always had an interesting relationship with the truth. For her, it seems that what's fact is whatever she happens to say at any given moment, even if this contradicts something she just said ten seconds before. In other words, truth is a matter of convenience. But, every now and then, like a blind squirrel finding a nut, even a pathological liar can say something genuinely true - just as Lindsay did when she uttered the following during an interview with Nylon magazine:

I get embarrassed about the paparazzi if I'm in a chic restaurant, or when I was in the AA meetings . . . I feel really disrespectful because those people are doing that for themselves and it's no one else's business. But that was the only time it was embarrassing. Other times, I obviously like it . . . I wouldn't ever want them to not take my picture . . . I'd be worried. I'd be like "Do people not care for me?"

Lohan has confessed that she likes having her picture taken. And what amazing nugget will she next reveal about herself? That she sometimes enjoys going out in public without underwear on? That she's been known to snort the occasional line of coke? That she really, really likes the feel of a woman's tongue inside her vagina? Seriously though, Lindsay deserves credit - she managed to utter several entire sentences without saying a single demonstrably untrue thing, or immediately doing a 180 on herself. I swear, I never thought I'd live to see this day. I am so happy for Lindsay and the entire human family.

(source)

The Coachella Valley Music Festival - It's Skanktacular

This Year's Coachella Valley Music Festival has featured such brilliant artists as Lily Allen, Bjork and Rage Against the Machine (I guess they're brilliant anyway; I personally wouldn't be caught dead listening to that crap). And it has also been a gathering-place for some of the hippest young stars in Hollywood, like Lindsay Lohan, who showed up to support her buddy, DJ Steve Aoki. Oh Lindsay, you're so subtle with the purse-strap cinching up under your boob. You never fail to come up with new ways to make us think you're a completely shameless whore, do you?



If a place is a Mecca for the hip, then you know Mischa Barton must be there. Cause Mischa - she's practically the Mohammed of hip. You know because she wears a dorky hat just like Britney. Actually, when I first saw this picture, I thought, "Where's Pete Wentz?" Then I realized it wasn't Ashlee Simpson.



If alcohol is being consumed, Tara Reid must not be far away. But, at least you get the feeling that Tara would show up at a thing like this even if there weren't going to be cameras there. Yes, Tara is a true rocker girl. If she weren't an actress, she'd be the girlfriend of the guitar player. You know, the one who inspires him to write beautiful love songs. And washes his puke-stained t-shirts. And goes out to score him smack.

Angelina Knows How To Keep Brad Happy - Buy Him Shit

Rumors are swirling that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's relationship is headed for the scrapheap. And Angelina apparently thinks there's trouble too - which is why she recently bought Brad a new motorcycle, and checked in to a luxury suite at the Roosevelt Hotel with him for a few hours of private time.

And does Angelina really think a shiny new motorcycle and a romp at the Roosevelt is going to be enough to make Brad forget that he's completely fed up with her kid-adopting, world-saving ways? Well, it was a really nice motorcycle - custom-built, apparently; plus Angelina bought him a new Ducati helmet (which must be a good helmet cause it has an Italian name). And of course there was the sex. But then again, how good could sex with Angelina really be at this point? I mean, have you seen her lately? She makes Nicole Richie look robust. I can't imagine sex is so hot when you're constantly taking sharp elbows and hip-bones to various parts of the body. Plus, how much energy can a sickly, emaciated, possibly on-the-verge-of-death Angelina really have? It must be like fucking a corpse. But, at least it was a really nice motorcycle.

(source)

Posh And Becks Buy A House In Beverly Hills

Victoria and David Beckham, who've been threatening to move to America seemingly since the early '80s, have finally bought themselves a home in the U.S.

The pad (which will be described as "posh" by just about every entertainment TV show/website) is located in Beverly Hills, and cost Poshy and Becks a relatively modest $20 million. According to a source, Poshy went with the smaller home (only six bedrooms) because she wanted to create a more "cozy" environment. However, though the property may be small by Beverly Hills standards, the view is described as "sensational."

In other news, everyone hates Beckham's new blonde hair:



I'm frankly more disturbed by the button-down jacket, which makes Beckham resemble Travis Bickle. And I'm even more disturbed by the fact that Beckham has been married to Posh as long as he has - because if anything would turn a man into Travis Bickle, that would.

(source)

Borrell Kisses Old Girlfriend; Could Kiki Be Single Soon?

Kirsten Dunst may still have her rocker boyfriend Johnny Borrell for now, but stories about him messing around with his old squeeze keep popping up like pimples nonetheless. The latest one has Borrell's ex-girlfriend, singer Fabiola Gatti, saying that she and Johnny shared a passionate kiss upon meeting recently, and that Johnny assured her he would soon be dumping Kiki and returning to her. Said Gatti about her undying love for Borrell:

We will always be soulmates. At the moment we know it won't work but one day we will get back together.

I don't think you'll have to wait too long, Fabiola. Johnny may be enjoying going out with a movie-star right now, but one of these days the alcohol-haze is going to clear, and he's going to get a good look at Kiki with her snaggleteeth and pasty white body and then - well, it'll be all over then. And Kiki will be single again, and fishing around for another rock star to glom on to. Poor Kiki. I almost feel sorry for her silly ass.

(source)

Alec Baldwin Says Harvey Levin Full Of Self-Hatred And Shame

Alec Baldwin is an embattled celeb, but unlike some, he's not going to just roll over and die. Instead, Baldwin is mounting a counter-offensive against those he considers responsible for making public the voice-mail rant that got him in this pickle in the first place. Specifically, Baldwin is going after Harvey Levin, the editor-in-chief of TMZ. That organization, you recall, originally received the Baldwin tape from whoever leaked it, and posted an audio clip of it on their site. Now Baldwin is firing back at Levin. Here's what the crazed daughter-terrorizing actor told the cows on The View:

The guy that's responsible for this tape coming out - I called some friends of mine in L.A. and said, "What's his story?" And they told me his story, what he's all about, where he's coming from, what are his secrets. ... You find out that everybody who works in tabloid media are people who are filled with self-hatred and shame and the way that they manage those feelings is they destroy the lives of other people and reveal your secrets. ... I couldn't get over how they could beat you all day long.

Baldwin never mentions Levin by name, but everyone knows who he's talking about. And apparently Baldwin has some dirt on Levin via his Hollywood friends. Well, what's that dirt Alec? Come on - we want to know Harvey Levin's dark secrets. Is he a cross-dresser? Is he secretly fucking Michael K.? Does he run a shitty website full of people who can't write worth a damn? Oh wait - that last one's not a secret. But the other stuff...come on Alec. You can't just say "I've got dirt on a guy" and then not reveal it. Unless of course you're trying to portray yourself as being above that sort of thing. Sure - that's your whole point, isn't it Alec? "Those other people, who I won't even dignify by naming, spread other people's dirt around, but even though I know things about them, I would never sink to their level." Nice try Baldwin. But we already know you're a phony and that you treat your own daughter like shit. And as for tabloid people being self-hating and full of shame - real big revelation there Alec. Of course they all are. Just like all actors are vain and arrogant and emotionally insecure, and raise children who turn out to be drug addicts and car thieves and suicides. Yeah - I can paint with a broad brush too Alec. Like: All Baldwin males love butt-sex. With each other.

(source)

Britney Pulled Over For Speeding

Britney Spears was pulled over for speeding on Sunset Boulevard Friday night around 8:45, but was let off with only a warning. Personally I think this was a mistake - this is Britney Spears we're talking about; who knows what insanity she was rushing off to commit. For all the cop knew, she could've been heading off to brain a pap with an umbrella, or commit some kind of hideous fashion crime like this one:


The world needs to be protected from people like Britney. But, the Beverly Hills PD would apparently rather kiss up to the famous than do their duty as public servants. So, Britney is allowed to run around free, and we have to suffer the terrible consequences:



Old fishnets and boots. Thanks a lot, authorities.

(source)

Kate Bosworth Is...Hot?

Do my eyes deceive me, or has Kate Bosworth gotten her shit together? Can we now take her off the endangered-starlets list? And whatever Kate has been eating to get herself back to looking human - can we please give some to Keira Knightey?

Spider-Man 3 Tour Hits France

The Neverending Spider-Man 3 tour hit Paris yesterday. Here we see director Sam Raimi and star Kirsten Dunst...pointing at stuff. Kirsten, you notice, points with all her fingers - that's cause she doesn't have the delicate digit-control necessary to just point one at a time. That's what happens when you drink too much, and hang out with too many smelly rock and rollers.

Sarah Michelle Gellar Is Boring

Sarah Michelle Gellar attends the after-party for the premiere of Suburban Girl. Honestly, I thought this chick had quit show-biz entirely and started a family or something. If she were any more boring she'd be Selma Blair. Except Selma's not that goofy-looking.

Dita Does Australia

Stripper Dita Von Teese is in Australia for Fashion Week. What the hell is fashion week in Australia? A bunch of people in designer post-apocalyptic duds and big orange spiked mohawks? What, do they come rumbling in on motorcycles with skulls attached to the handlebars? Dita should dig that action. Hell, after all those years with that pussy Manson, she's probably ready for some sweaty, greasy Mad Max villain to make her feel like a woman again.

Angelina In New York

Angelina Jolie is in New York for the Tribeca Film Festival. And there are rumors that she may be taking the hazardous journey into the Bronx to visit a refugee camp. Just kidding Bronx people - I love you. Don't beat me up (again). Anyway, people have been remarking a lot lately on how emaciated and sickly Angie looks. There has even been speculation that she may be ill. Frankly, I think she's just running short of virgin blood. It's not as easy to come by as it used to be (especially now that Katie Holmes has been popped, by whoever popped her).


Angelina greets some fans from her car. They came a thousand miles just to touch the hem of her garment, and she didn't even get out of the fucking car? What a bitch.

Daniel Craig Goes Bitch-Ass On Fan

Looks like James Bond has a little temper on him. The other day, Daniel Craig, who shot to worldwide fame playing Ian Fleming's famed secret agent, was coming out of London's Harvey Nichols department store when a fan, Craig Evans, made the mistake of snapping him with his mobile-phone. And snap is just what Craig himself did - reportedly, the actor stormed over to Evans bellowing, "What the fuck are you doing that for? You've got a fucking nerve. Can you delete that? Get the fuck out of my face!" - all of which had the much-smaller Evans quivering in his boots. Thankfully, Craig's girlfriend, movie producer Satsuki Mitchell, was there to calm him down...or not. Reportedly, as Craig and Mitchell walked away, Craig said to her, "The only reason I'm fucking swearing is because I'm fucked off with you."

Daniel Craig - is he the new Russell Crowe? I don't know. But if I'm a concierge, I'm being really, really nice to Daniel. And I'm hoping the hotel has padded phones.

(Somebody asked for more posts about Daniel Craig. I guess God was listening.)

(source)

Britney's Photo-Op With Own Kid

It's a strategy as old as stardom itself - having your picture taken with children in order to show that you're human. How often have we seen a celeb pose with some poor little bald-headed cancer kid, or an inner-city child at a playground built with donated funds, or a bunch of school children who participated in an essay contest? All so we'll know that celebs are really just folks like everyone else. And, of course, this sort of photo-op is never so valuable as when a celeb is on the outs with their fans. Make a couple of bad movies, get photographed staggering around drunk, punch your significant other - you can make all that bad stuff go away by spending two minutes in a ward filled with crippled kids, and sending the pictures out to magazines.

Of today's stars, few would seem to need career rehab more than Britney Spears. Poon flashing, drunken escapades, insane umbrella-attacks - lately Britney has seemed less like a pop-star and more like an on-going episode of Springer. And these antics have not gone unnoticed by her fans, who have been abandoning her in droves. But, Britney is ready to wipe that slate clean - she's canned evil manager Larry Rudolph, had lipo to get her body back in shape, gotten her teeth whitened, and begun taking dance classes. And now, Britney has taken that next step toward reconciliation with her former peeps - she's done the kiddie photo-op. Of course, most stars, when they do the photo-op thing, pose with other people's kids - cause we sort of assume that they spend time with their own kids all the time, therefore making it kind of silly for them to be photographed with them. Britney, however, is different - when she wants a humanizing photo-op, she grabs one of her own spawn...um, that is her kid right? Well, what difference does it make, right Brit? It's a kid. They're like regular humans, except smaller and less able to control their bowels. Hell, he looks like you anyway - except that he has hair. And dresses better. And I actually think he can tie his shoes already, whereas you...

Reese Runs

"Gotta keep runnin'. Gotta keep it tight. Tight for Jake. Jake Jake Jake. Look at this tight ass Jake. Keep your eyes off him god damn it. Look at my tight ass Jake. My tight ass god damn it..."

Jenna Elfman Talks Crazy-Talk

Loopy Scientology nut Jenna Elfman has come to the defense of her lord and master, Scientology Jesus Tom Cruise. But what does Tom Cruise need defending against anyway? Oh, the media's attempts to portray him as a controlling freak who's making his wife Katie Holmes's life miserable. Jenna says no way - Tom and Katie are happy as can be:

They have a great life and they love each other. For some reason, the media cannot experience that. They must put in things other than the simplicity of it.

Um, no Jenna - you've got it backwards honey. Nobody's putting anything into anything - we know all about the simplicity of the relationship. Like, Tom tells Katie what to do and Katie does it - simple. And yes, if you're a complete authoritarian wacko, that is the recipe for happiness. Then you look at it from the point-of-view of the one who's being subjected to the authoritarian control and, well, different story. But, of course, you being a member of the inner-circle Jenna, you know what's really going on. Right?

It's hard to give a detailed explanation on something that's simple. Honestly, do any of you have a great boyfriend or girlfriend? It's not a big deal, right? You have fun hanging out, and you like talking and sharing your ideas. It's exciting. That's their relationship.

Scientology talking-point on Tom and Katie: Their relationship is so "simple." Everything about them is "simple." Perhaps because they're simpletons? And then there's this: "You have fun hanging out, and you like talking and sharing your ideas. It's exciting. That's their relationship." Um, Jenna - the word "sharing." That implies that each side is contributing something. But we know that's not the case. Tom is the one with the ideas (which he got from a two-bit, possibly deranged science fiction writer) and Katie is the one who sits there nodding, occasionally glancing off to see if one of the guards isn't looking, perhaps giving her a chance to make a break for it. Face it Jenna - everyone knows what Tom Cruise is, and everyone feels sorry for Katie to the extent that we think she didn't really know what she was in for when she agreed to be Tom's wife/slave. Your attempt to change our mind is feeble. No amount of Scientology propaganda spoken by dimwits like you will make us see Tom as anything but a sawed-off little closet fag with Messianic delusions, and Katie as a vapid little girl who got snookered by con-artists.

(source)

Freak Show

I thought Amy Winehouse was the most hideous-looking female I'd ever seen - until I got a load of Olivia Newton-John's daughter Chloe Lattanzi on ET. All right, I know - it isn't her fault she's ugly. And it isn't her fault she had anorexia. It is, however, her fault that she's in the music biz and therefore a public figure - so I have no qualms whatsoever about making fun of her. Or her mother Olivia, who used to be kind of cute and plucky, but now looks like an advertisement for BoTox. Or Mary Hart who, frankly, needs to go find a dark hole to live in, so that we never have to look at her frozen, inhuman face again.

Video of Chloe, Olivia and Mary in all their freakishness is available at ETOnline.

Britney's All Better Now

Britney Spears is so not crazy anymore. She does not in the least resemble a person on a day-trip from a mental home. She does not remind us, even one little bit, of the sort of person whose house gets opened up by the cops after they've been arrested, and the cops find two-hundred cats living there, and a basement full of people's stolen laundry.

Richard Gere Sets Record Straight On Shetty Kiss

Richard Gere planting some playful kisses on Indian star Shilpa Shetty has touched off a whole firestorm of controversy. But Gere himself says the whole thing was no big deal, and that those who want him jailed over it represent a small but vocal minority. Said Gere on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart:

Kissing the girl on the cheek was nothing. ... It was an AIDS event for truck drivers. It was the largest truck depot in South Asia. They were climbing on their trucks [cheering].

Shetty herself was not offended. Says Gere:

We went and had dinner afterwards and nobody said a word about this.

Shit, Richard - don't tell them you had dinner with her. They'll probably tack another six months onto the sentence.

But seriously, says Richard, the whole thing is just a bunch of political radicals making noise:

There is a very small right-wing conservative party and they are the moral police in India and they do this quite often. ... I don't know if anyone has gone to jail, but [a case like this generally] goes to a reputable court and is thrown out.

So they have reputable courts in India. Well, that's good news.

(source)

Paris At Us Hot Hollywood Party

Is it just me or does Paris look like she just swallowed an enormous load?

Lohan Gets Style Award

US Magazine held some kind of Awards ceremony last night, and someone decided it would be a good idea to give Lindsay Lohan a "Red Carpet Style" award. Then somebody told Lindsay there would be free booze so she showed up. Apparently, Lindsay is between stylists right now. Or else she was paying homage to Bert Lahr.



Courage isn't Lohan's problem - she's got plenty of that. What she lacks is civility and self-restraint. And a functioning liver. Also, she looks like she could use an aspirin.