Crabbie normally hates these silly top-100 lists - I mean honestly people, how lazy are we? - but the one The Phoenix puts out of the 100 Unsexiest Men Alive is actually kind of amusing. There are some very, very unsexy men out there, and I applaud The Phoenix for compiling a list of the worst and ranking them. That way I know who not to hit on. Anyway, here are some highlights (commentary by me, not The Phoenix).
100 - Tom Cruise. Yes, Tom is not sexy anymore. He's just freaky and weird and completely tyrannical. However, I think The Phoenix is waffling a little bit by making him number 100. It's like they're saying, "We want the humor-value of including him on the list, but we think he may actually still be kind of sexy, so we're making him number 100." They could've made him number 1 for my money, but then I've never been into alien midgets.
87 - Joe Simpson. Being sexually attracted to your own daughters isn't sexy? Obviously The Phoenix is not written by people from Alabama.
82 - The Geico Caveman. Come on! That guy's hot. Damn, there's nothing sexier than one-note comic exasperation. And profuse body-hair.
79 - Joe Franics. Um, the boys in the cellblock don't agree with this one. Too bad Joe didn't think to have his ass sewn up before getting pinched.
68 - William Oefelein. That's the astronaut that crazy chick with the diaper was going to kill the other chick over. I don't know, I think astronauts are kind of sexy. Not with a big load in their Depends, though.
52 - Jay-Z. The Phoenix people go for contrarian cred by bashing someone who's considered hip. Nice try guys, but everyone already knows Jay-Z is nothing but a dork with a Glock - and a silly, fake-haired girlfriend.
35 - Kevin Federline. Come on - Federline may be a lot of things, but the dude ain't without sex-appeal. Okay, I know, he's a loser - but so are most men, when you get right down to it. Hell, if just being a useless piece of crap were enough to qualify a man as unsexy, the human race would've died out a long time ago.
29 - Marc Anthony. Necrophiliacs disagree with this one completely.
23 - Pete Doherty. The Phoenix people obviously don't understand the power of bad-boy-rockerness. You can have fresh skin grafts all over your face, and if you're in a band and do drugs and act wild, women will be all over you.
18 - Mel Gibson. Again, not everyone agrees with this one. I have it on good authority that the singing neo-Nazi twins have posters of Mel all over their bedroom.
12 - Karl Lagerfeld. Uh, I thought this was the 100 Unsexiest Men - not the 100 Unsexiest Vampire Zombies.
8 - Perez Hilton. Oh, poor Perez. You may be the Gossip Gangstar, but people find you about as appealing as a puddle of chunky vomit. But, cheer up Perez - at least Paris still likes you (until you outlive your usefulness).
7 - Sanjaya. There, I finally mentioned this canker sore in my blog. For the last time too.
2 - Ken Davitian from Borat. Again, rolling around with fat guys is underrated. I've heard that, ever since Sacha Baron Cohen filmed that scene, he's been stalking Al Roker.
1 - Donald Trump. Yes, Donald Trump is unsexy - except for the fact that he has gazillions of dollars. And being incredibly rich is even better than being a bad-boy rocker. I'm gonna take a wild stab and say that Donald will never have problems finding young, brainless, big-boobed women to marry him and have his babies.
