Say It Ain't So, Lindsay-O

Even as Britney Spears ascends to the pantheon of drunken, cooter-flashing skankhood, it appears another world-champion shameless skanklet is trying to tone down her own wild lifestyle, and maybe even get off the sauce altogether.

Yes kids, it's true - Lindsay Lohan has begun attending AA meetings. Hard as it may be to believe, Lindsay actually appears to have at least a modicum of sense. Or maybe she started having those dreams about her liver.

You've had those before, right? The ones where you're lying in bed, all covered in sweat, and suddenly you see something moving under the blanket, and you peel it away to discover your own dying liver poised on your chest, staring into your face with those beseeching eyes...

All right. So maybe Crabbie's the only one who ever had that dream.

We're getting off the subject. The point here is that Lindsay realized, at last, that you can only keep it up for so long. You can only punish your body to a certain point, and after that it starts to rebel.

And all I can say about this development is...please Lindsay, say it ain't so.

Say you aren't going to stop going out to Hyde every night, and the rest of those hip night-spots where people like Brandon Davis yell insults at you. Say you aren't going to stop driving recklessly, smashing into things, and generally being a menace to pedestrians. Say you don't intend to stop making friends with Paris Hilton every other day, only to get mad at her again ten minutes later. Say you are not going to hereafter abstain from wearing short dresses that allow us to see your woman-parts. Say you have not lost your desire to make a pitiful spectacle of yourself in ways that make us both hate and feel sorry for you in almost equal measure.

Pardon us if we seem selfish Lindsay, but we need you drunk and stupid. We have no interest in seeing a sober Lindsay who realizes there's more to life than just partying it up. We want you to stagger around at three in the morning, bellowing like a crazy old woman. We want you behaving like a psychotic, saying one thing one minute, then contradicting yourself completely the next. We want you writing long, rambling letters of condolence to the families of dead movie directors, so that we may bask in the sense of superiority that only comes when one encounters true stupidity.

In other words, Lindsay - don't clean up. Whatever you do. Don't listen to your liver, no matter how much it complains. And for God's sake, please, don't start wearing underwear. A world where Lindsay Lohan covers her cooch is not a world I want to live in.

Crabbie's Quickies: Longoria/Parker Engagement; Sheen/Richards Divorce; Anna Nicole Booted; DeVito Drunk

Swarthy Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria and Euro-trash basketballer Tony Parker have announced their engagement.

Longoria broke the news first to her friend Ryan Seacrest in an early-morning phone call. Seacrest's high-pitched squeal of excitement was so powerful it shattered crystal five-hundred miles away.

***

On the flip-side of marriage news, Charlie Sheen and his estranged wife Denise Richards are officially divorced.

So now when Charlie fucks hookers, it's no longer technically adultery.

***

Brain-dead model Anna Nicole Smith has been ordered to vacate her Bahamas home, several months after originally being evicted.

I'm not actually sure I would want to live in a house Anna Nicole Smith had previously occupied. That booze-belch odor is hard to get out, and then there are all the bodies buried in the backyard.

***

Rotund actor Danny DeVito is taking lots of shit over his drunken appearance yesterday on ABC's The View.

I don't know about you, but if I knew I was going to be facing Rosie O'Donnell in a few hours, I'd be pouring liquor down my throat like Shelley Winters at a wrap party (and that's a lot of drinking, folks).

Britney's Other Ex Runs His Yap (And Calls Her Bi-Sexual, Sort Of)

Coochie-flasher Britney Spears has been all over the tabs and the web lately. Which means it's time for everyone with any connection to her to come out of the woodwork and get their two-cents in. And that includes her other ex-husband, Jason Alexander, who has spilled his guts to The Sun.

Alexander, whom Britney was married to for all of 55 hours, has lots to say about the Federline situation, as well as Britney's sexual proclivities and her friendship with Paris Hilton. On Federline:

It’s best for everyone that Kevin and her have split. She is much more confident now.

I was really shocked when she married Kevin. I figured it was a fling that would fly over. I never thought she’d marry him. He always seemed so negative.

From what I understand, with all the stuff that’s gone on, the marriage has been unstable for some time. It’s been going downhill for a while. Nothing has changed or got better. They had problems before which they tried to work out but now it’s like they can’t sort it out.

On Britney's thing for girls:

All beautiful girls like other girls in some way. All girls are attracted to other girls. She found other girls attractive, yes, but we never did anything about it.

Our relationship was about us. We just weren’t together long enough for that to come up really. ... That’s not to say that I don’t know anything about threesomes.

On Britney and Paris:

Paris is a good friend of hers. They both have the same issues. They are both in the spotlight.

On Britney's post-baby stomach surgery:

She had a tummy tuck after the birth of her second child. She’s working on all of that. She’s worth hundreds of millions — of course she looks good.

She has the money to have surgery and nutritionists and get her body back. And now she’s focused, she is doing it. She’s motivated — she just got rid of a man.

How very enlightening, Mr. Alexander. And I'm sure Britney will be just thrilled that you revealed she's half a lesbo and that she's had her tummy fixed.

Anything else you'd like to tell us there Jason? Like the color Britney's poo turns when she has the runs? Or the songs she hums to herself while she's clipping her toenails?

Self-serving creep.

Britney's Crazy Ride: A Retrospective

On behalf of all the entertainment/celebrity/gossip bloggers, I would like to say thank you to Britney Spears. Thank you, Britney, for giving us so much fine material the last couple of weeks. Thank you for having the poor taste to flash your goods in front of numerous cameras, guaranteeing lots of juicy pictures. And thank you most of all for just being Britney. Low-rent, clueless pieces of trash like you are worth your weight in gold (and page impressions).

And thank you also, Britney, for the memories. We'll cherish them always:


Yes Britney. We feel the same way too.

Jennifer Lopez Thinks Scientology Can Help Her Conceive

Jennifer Lopez is desperate to conceive a child. So desperate that she has turned to Scientology in hopes that its looney principles will cure her barrenness.

What, you may ask, is a crazy celebrity pseudo-religion supposed to do for a woman who is having difficulty getting knocked-up? Is there some magic incantation that turns lifeless wombs like Jennifer's into happy places where sperm finds eggs? Does Tom Cruise personally come over to your house and...

No. Not likely.

Actually, it all has to do with "cleansing" and "positive energy." At least this is what Jennifer is supposedly learning from her personal Scientology guru Leah Rimini, who swears that Scientology teachings helped her to conceive a child.

Cleansing and positive energy. That's how they make babies in Scientology. Not the man sticking his peeny in the woman's bagina (while the woman plays with her pan and her cat and her comb). I guess that explains why Tom had to out-source Katie's impregnation. He didn't know where to stick it.

By the way, Jennifer's husband Marc Anthony, like Katie Holmes, is Catholic (he's a Puerto Rican, so what the hell else would he be, a fucking Quaker?). But Anthony is reportedly not concerned about Jennifer's flirtation with the alien religion that's taken over the minds of so many Hollywood twits. "He's willing to let Jen do what she needs to make things happen," a source says. Again, peeny + bagina = baby. Not complicated.

Josh Hartnett's New Main Squeeze

Hunky Josh Hartnett has apparently found a replacement for former girlfriend Scarlett Johansson. She's an actress too, and her name is Amber Sainsbury. She and Josh have been working on a movie together, 30 Days of Night. Sources say they spent two days hunkered down at a hotel recently, but Josh's rep says they're "just friends." Which of course means they've been fucking like a couple of wild beasts.

It's nice to see Josh picking himself up off the matt so soon after the Scarlett deal, which apparently got rather ugly toward the end. I personally never thought Scarlett was a good match for him. He seems like a rather down-to-earth sort of fellow, while Scarlett appears more wrapped up in living the movie-star lifestyle. I hope this new girl is more of a regular gal than Scarlett (and I hope she doesn't have a thyroid problem, as the picture above would suggest).

The Queen of England Does Not Show Cooter

Queen Elizabeth II attends a celebration of the 350th anniversary of Judaism in Britain. Isn't it nice of the queen, getting out to show her support for the Jews. Too bad the British monarchy wasn't as high on Hebrews back in the '30s when Hitler was trying to deport them from Germany and no one, including the Brits, would take them (which was why Hitler ended up trying to kill them all). Oh well, that's all water under the bridge I guess.

Ashley Olsen: Fashion Icon

Ashley Olsen is a fashion icon. At least that's what I'm told. Here she looks a bit like an explosion at a flea market. First of all there are those shoes, which stand out like a flaming zit on someone's nose. Perhaps Ashley is wearing them to distract us from the jacket, which is a crime against nature. And don't even get me started on the skirt. And then of course there's Ashley herself:


That "just woke up in the middle of the street" hair. That angry, depressed look of someone coming down off a three-day coke binge. Honestly, how can someone that rich be that miserable?

What Stars Really Look Like: Jennifer Garner

Glamorous Jennifer Garner.

And Jennifer looking like she just stepped out of a creepy European porn film.

Joan Collins Lives

Dynasty star Joan Collins and her seventy-second husband, Percy Gibson, attend a National Press Club luncheon in Washington, D.C. Joan appears to be laughing in this picture, but actually, that expression has been frozen on her face since 1994.

Remember Me?

Paris takes a break from being seen with Britney to hang out with her old pal Nicole. Never thought I'd be happy to see these two skanks together again...

What am I saying? I'm not happy. I wish they'd both get run down by a garbage truck!

Crabbie's Radar: Snoop Dogg Arrested; Mel Gibson Rants; Madonna's Adoption to Be Challenged; Pam/Kid Break-Up News; Christina Gets Wasted

What's on Crabbie's Radar today?

1. Snoop Dogg Arrested

Snoop Dogg was arrested yesterday while leaving a taping of the Tonight Show. Cops reportedly found cocaine and marijuana in the rapper's vehicle, as well as a gun and a "secret compartment."

Snoop would have a nice, care-free life, if it weren't for all those damn laws against guns and drugs.

***

2. Mel Gibson Turns Tables, Criticizes Others

Wacked-out Jew-hater Mel Gibson says Hollywood makes too many sequels, and needs to have more faith in the intelligence of audiences.

Intelligence of audiences? I knew Mel was cut off from reality, but I didn't know he was that cut off.

***

3. Madonna's Adoption to Be Challenged

A judge in Malawi is allowing human rights groups to challenge Madonna's adoption of David Banda, and to assess her fitness as a mother.

Does hanging from a giant disco crucifix on a nightly basis help or hurt Madonna's case I wonder?

***

4. Pam's Partying to Blame for Split from Kid?

Friends of Kid Rock are coming to his defense over claims that his extreme reaction to Pam's appearance in Borat was the trigger for their divorce. They're saying the real reason the couple broke up was that Pam partied too much, leaving Kid home with the kids.

Dear Jesus. Kid Rock is allowed to be around children? What's wrong with this country?

***

5. Christina Likes the Drinky-Drinky

A report from Britain says Christina Aguilera rang up a 2000-pound bar bill the other night. In U.S. money, that's almost $4,000.

Reps for Aguilera, who was photographed after the party being carried to her room, claim the petite singer only sipped a few glasses of champagne and did one vodka shot, and it was the rest of the entourage who did the real drinking. And I suppose Christina only gives goodnight kisses on the cheek after first dates too.

Naomi Watts is Into Fitness

King Kong's main squeeze Naomi Watts leaves the gym. Cute work-out attire, Naomi. Too bad about your face though.

Update: What it Was All For

Our suspicions have been confirmed: the Britney/Paris "friendship" is all a big a publicity stunt.

What other conclusion can we come to, now that we've learned Paris and Brit are scheduled to co-host next week's Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas?

Are we supposed to think the organizers of that awards presentation just decided, a week before their show, to have these two as hostesses? Or is it more likely that this was planned awhile ago, and in hopes of drumming up interest for what is at best an also-ran awards show, someone devised the clever scheme of having Paris and Britney do the NBF act, in public, with photographers present?

And of course it worked. There are pictures of Britney and Paris all over the web. Pictures of Britney's cooter. Britney's boobs. Britney and Paris teasing Lindsay Lohan by pretending to be friends with her. And who's going to complain, considering all the traffic this has generated (today alone, The Superficial, Perez Hilton and Dlisted have all suffered slow-downs; hell, Crabbie hasn't even hardly posted anything on the two skanks, and he's had his two biggest days ever)?

So it's a win-win - the Billboard people get their publicity, and we get our page views. And Britney and Paris get to be the talk of the nation for showing up at places with no underwear on.

And we wonder why the rest of the world hates America.

Update: It now appears that Britney has decided to pull out of the Billboard Music Awards gig (this link wasn't working earlier, then it was). Sources at US Weekly say Britney and Paris were in negotiations to share hostess duties when Britney abruptly changed her mind. There's still a chance Britney could change her mind back though. Goody-goody gumdrops.

Britney's Cooter: Now More Photographed Than the Great Wall of China

Here is the first, and last, Britney cooter-shot on this site:

Hold on a sec. What's that on Britney's leg?

This climber apparently thinks Britney's thigh is the Matterhorn. Oh well. Honest mistake.

Elliot Mintz Lives in His Own Little World

There is no lower form of life on earth than the celebrity publicist. Those poor dopes whose job it is to explain away the actions of the stupid and self-destructive. And there is no more pitiful example of the sniveling celebrity rep than Elliot Mintz, the man who handles Paris Hilton.

Being a rep for a woman like Hilton, who is capable of doing just about anything at any given moment, requires an amazing talent for bending the truth. Actually, "bending the truth" may not be the right term - "twisting the truth into intricate pretzel-like shapes that would confound even Stephen Hawking" would probably be closer. And that's Elliot's gift. The ability to take a situation where everyone knows what happened and convince them that's not really what happened.

Now you take the recent publicity free-for-all Paris and her new BFFs Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan have been indulging in for the past week. Any normal person knows that these three sluts are in league with each other for the simple purpose of garnering attention, and may even suspect that they've been paid to be seen together. But that's not what Elliot Mintz wants you to think. Elliot wants you to think that the antics of his client and her two partners in skankery represent some act of female empowerment, possibly akin to Amelia Earhart trying to fly around the world. Just listen to what this dope actually said about the apparent Britney/Paris/Lindsay alliance:

What I've observed is that we have three extraordinarily powerful women who generate a tremendous amount of attention, money and adulation and they're tired of other people trying to ride on their coattails and creating false drama.

"What I've observed." Right Elliot. You're an objective witness. This is all something that just happened to occur to you. Could you be any wormier?

"They're tired of other people trying to ride on their coattails and creating false drama." So what are they doing now? Creating their own false drama? And what was that about coattails exactly? Is that a veiled attack against us, the bloggers? If I were you, Elliot, I'd be careful about going after the blogging community. Because the way things are headed, all this "new media" is going to be the main way for people like your client to get themselves out there. So you're going to need us.

Elliot Mintz - this guy makes George Bush look like a bastion of honesty.

Did Borat Break Up Pam and Kid?

That Borat - he's trouble all around. A menace to bigots, homophobes and fat masturbating guys everywhere. And he's not too good for superstar marriages either. At least he wasn't for Pam Anderson and Kid Rock's.

No, Borat did not steal Pam away from Kid. Fictional characters can't make off with other people's wives. They can, however, cause huge blow-ups during private screenings of movies. Especially when the person doing the blowing up has no sense of humor whatsoever.

Those who've seen Borat know that the fictional Kazakh journalist played by Sacha Baron Cohen is obsessed with Pam Anderson, and at the end of the film, tries to kidnap her from a book-signing. Well, this amusing bit of tomfoolery (which Pam participated in knowingly, unlike a lot of Borat's other co-stars) did not come across so hilarious to Kid Rock when the couple screened the film at Universal Studio chief Ron Meyer's house. In fact, Rock became incensed.

"Bob [Kid's real name is Bob Richie] started screaming at Pam," a Pam Anderson friend told Page 6, "saying she had humiliated herself and telling her, 'You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut! How could you do that movie?' - in front of everyone. It was very embarrassing."

"Ever since that night, it has been icicles between them," the friend goes on. "Bob is just a very unhappy and angry man. Pam is very disenchanted and sad. You know, there are reasons why she never married him before. Those reasons disappeared while they were together on a boat in St. Tropez, but she knows now that they never went away. The reality is he is an insecure, angry man."

So Pam walked out on him. Well I say good for Pam. She doesn't have to put up with that crap.

And as far as Kid's temper-tantrum goes - I think we all know the real reason he got upset. Borat makes merciless fun of rednecks, and those are Kid's peeps. That scene at the rodeo, where Borat sings the Kazakh national anthem to the tune of the "Star Spangled Banner". That's just the kind of thing that would upset a "put a boot in their ass" patriotic hick like Rock. Let's face it - Pam is just too sophisticated for Kid. She's a flag-waving member of PETA, and he's the kind of person who scrapes up roadkill and fries it for supper. That thing never had a chance to work.

Huggy Bitches

Actress Eva Mendes snuggles with model/tsunami-survivor Petra Nemcova. I'm a big admirer of Petra. I think it's wonderful and heroic, how far she's been able to get in life despite having Down Syndrome. You go girl.

Is a Jessica Simpson Sex Tape About to Surface?

Rumors are swirling that the people who made public the famed Tommy Lee/Pam Anderson sex tape have gotten their hands on a similar bit of video starring Dukes of Hazzard bombshell Jessica Simpson and ex-husband Nick Lachey, and are planning on releasing it.

According to a source, Jessica is "horrified her name and 'sex tape' are being mentioned in the same sentence" because "she's always been a girl of high morals and principles."

But not much brains. And the same goes for Lachey too, apparently. I mean, in this day and age, does it make sense for any famous person to videotape themselves doing anything more serious than cuddling? These sex tapes always get out. Always. And a lot of times, people are embarrassed when they do. Sometimes people actually like it - like Screech (cause it proved to everyone that he wasn't a virgin) - but mostly, it just causes people grief.

By the way, the people who allegedly have the tape are alleged to be blackmailing Simpson with it, saying they'll release it if she doesn't pay them. I wonder how long all of this has been going on. I mean, Jessica has looked rather anxiety-ridden lately. Of course, knowing her, that could just be from trying to use a can-opener. Those damn gadgets can cause a lot of stress.

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock Are Kaput

It has not been a great year for dirty trailer-trash couples. First Britney and Federline called it quits, and now Baywatch android Pam Anderson and her disgusting liquor-swilling monkey of a husband Kid Rock have filed for divorce.

The road to romance and ultimate separation was a rocky one for Pam and Kid. The couple first began swapping bodily fluids back in early 2001, then got engaged in April of 2002 only to split up in June 2003. They got back together this summer in St. Tropez after a chance meeting and for some reason decided to get married. They held a ceremony on a yacht on July 29, then became legally wed in Beverly Hills on August 3. In Pam's divorce filing, it is stated that the couple separated on Nov. 21, while in Kid's it says Nov. 26. The couple cited "irreconcilable differences" as the cause of the split.

It should be noted that Pam was reported to have suffered a miscarriage a couple of weeks back. No word on whether this played into the break-up. My own gut feeling is that one day Pam and Kid just looked at each other and realized they could both do better. Now Kid can find himself a younger woman with breasts that don't leak, and Pam can find herself an actual human male.

The Britney-Paris-Lindsay Crap is Already Old

I'm sick of seeing pictures of these three twats hanging out. This is what Crabbie wants to happen:

Throw-down baby.

Alec Baldwin Says Nice Things About Kim Basinger. Damn It, Alec. That's Not What We Want From You.

One of the more entertainingly vicious Hollywood feuds would appear to be over, now that bloated-corpse-like movie sleaze Alec Baldwin has started making nice with his ex-wife, Botoxed harpy Kim Basinger.

"My ex-wife was somebody who was funny and she was fun," said Baldwin the other night on Larry King. "...and she was a lot of fun to be with. She was a great, great person. And then all of a sudden I think we just wanted to live different lives. But I think she's a great mother, yes, good mom."

Ugh. Alec. What happened to you? Where are your balls? Have you forgotten all the shit Basinger said about you? Like the time you accused her of child-snatching, and she retorted with the following assessment of your mental health:

Everyone knows about Alec Baldwin's behavioral problems—his anger, his rages—they are, unfortunately, legendary.

If his relationship with his daughter is fractured, there is only one person to blame and it is himself.

See Alec? That's how we want this to go. Like the good old days. Remember? Like when you called Kim's lawyer a 300-pound homunculus?

Man-up, Baldwin. You sniveling little dweeb.

Hug the Cheerleader. Get a Woody.

Heroes cutie Hayden Panettiere rubs Santa for luck.

What the hell was going on with Sylar and Eden in the woods, by the way?

Crabbie's Quickies: Tom's Girdle, Heather's Hate-Mail, Lindsay and Paris No Longer Pals

Ho-in-the-Know Janet Charlton is reporting that Tom Cruise wore a girdle under his wedding tux.

In other news, the sun rose in the East this morning, and is expected to do the same thing tomorrow.

***

Heather Mills' website has been getting bombarded with hateful e-mails. So many of them that the address has finally been removed from the site.

A sampling of some of the vitriol spewed in Heather's direction includes this little missive:

"Dear Heather, you are now quite comfortably the most loathed person in the British Isles. Congratulations, it’s one hell of an achievement."

And this one:

"Heather, you are nothing but a bloody gold-digging disgrace…go to your bloody minefields, preferably without a detector."

I wish my detractors were so eloquent. Then I'd get pithier comments than, "Your ugly," and, "Your an asshole." (Contractions are apparently outside of these idiots' experience).

***

Lindsay Lohan's friendship with Paris Hilton appears to be over.

According to witnesses, Lindsay got bent-out-of-shape recently when, while on a shopping trip, she had her retinue of paparazzi stolen from her by Paris and her best pal Britney Spears. Lindsay attempted to "get revenge" against Paris and Brit by driving around town blaring Kevin Federline's CD on her stereo.

But wait, there's more. On Wednesday night at Teddy's, Lindsay attempted to hang out with Paris and Britney, but was rebuffed by the blonde BFF's. In a state of irritation, Lindsay was heard to say that she wouldn't mind hooking up with Federline, whom she said was sexy. And Britney's alleged reply? "Take him. Tell her please. Seriously, take him."

Lindsay Lohan Treats Keira Knightley Like Dirt

Lindsay Lohan seems bent on reducing her likability quotient to zero.

During her recent prolonged sojourn in London, which featured the frivolous skanklet flopping as hostess of the World Music Awards and adding greasy lothario Calum Best to her list of sex partners, Lohan is said to have coldly snubbed adorable Pirates of the Caribbean star Keira Knightley, with whom she is set to appear in a film.

The snubbing took place at a fashionable London club where Lindsay was enjoying herself with friends. Lohan had previously learned that Knightley was expected to appear at the night-spot, and for fear of being upstaged by the radiant beauty, had grilled Knightley's reps about her intended outfit for the evening, that she might adjust her own accordingly. Then, when Keira came over to finally meet Lohan, the resentful redhead chatted away obliviously with her friends, making Keira stand there, and upon finally deigning to acknowledge Keira's presence, brushed her off sarcastically and went back to her gabby pals.

One thing is becoming obvious about Lindsay Lohan - she is absolutely consumed with jealousy at anyone she considers a rival. And a girl like Knightley, who outdoes Lindsay in beauty, talent and most importantly class, probably makes Lohan's stomach boil and churn like a Macbethian cauldron.

Which, of course, is why we love Lohan so much. Because she's so obviously insecure. And when you're that unsure of yourself deep down, you act all the crazier on the outside to compensate for it.

Paris Likes Ice Cream

That Paris, she likes her some cone. Yum-yum.

NBF News: J-Ho + Poshy

Posh Spice Beckham got more out of her appearance at Tom and Katie's wedding than just publicity for herself and her absurd wardrobe - she also got a new bestest buddy, one to replace former shopping pal Katie, who has wisely chosen to distance herself from the creepy former Spice Girl. And that new best friend is none other than the original booty-girl herself, Jennifer Lopez.

Apparently, Posh and J-Lo met for the first time at the Tom/Katie nuptials, and hit it off right away. They talked about their favorite subject, fashion, and may even have discussed the possibility of developing a line of clothes together (clothes for women with huge jiggly asses and giant fake breasts).

Wow. First Britney and Paris, and now Poshy and J-Ho. What weird celebrity friendship pairing could be next? Heather Mills and Sienna Miller? Naomi Campbell and Beelzebub? Kevin Federline and...

Um. Federline and...

Uh, well, I can't think of anyone who would actually hang out with Federline. Except maybe a homeless guy, but only if Federline bought him lots of booze and let him crash at his storage locker.

It's almost too easy.

Today in Terrifying: Naomi Campbell Wants Kids

Now and again one happens upon a piece of news that makes one's very soul shudder with its implications. Well, this is one of those stories. The kind of thing that makes us wonder why God doesn't intervene on behalf of the screwed-up human race or maybe just wipe us all out and start over again with the worms or the mosquitoes or Kevin Federline.

And what, exactly, could be so horrible that it would make the very Lord consider taking a personal interest? How about Naomi Campbell wanting to settle down and have kids?

Horror of horrors: the most insufferably cunty woman on the face of the earth (with the possible exception of Nancy Pelosi) is reportedly "desperate" to find a man, co-habitate with or perhaps even marry the poor dope, and become impregnated by him. The problem for Naomi is that...well, I'll let one of Naomi's own "friends" tell it:

Naomi has always had a reputation of being demanding but there are many reasons why she's struggled to settle down. When she became famous, she was allowed to behave like a needy child and had people like Gianni Versace protecting her. Getting older means she has to deal with her issues.

Translation: No man will have Naomi because they all know what a world-class ball-busting bitch she is.

Looks like it's the turkey baster for Naomi. She's in luck though. They're having a sale over at the sperm bank. Demon-seed is 30% off.

Scarlett Johansson is an Arrogant Little Snit

Voluptuous starlet Scarlett Johansson may have a growing fan base, but among residents of her apartment building, she is somewhat less than popular.

It seems Scarlett has become a chain-smoker, possibly in response to her recent troubles with Josh Hartnett - her business of course, except that the smell of all those cigarettes has begun seeping into the hallway, raising the ire of some of her neighbors. And when one of Scarlett's fellow tenants tried raising the issue with her, the 22-year-old movie star went, well, all movie star.

"Don't you read the newspaper?" Scarlett is reported to have said in response to being confronted by the fed-up neighbor. "I am going through a difficult time right now."

Translation: I am a rich, famous person, therefore I can smoke wherever I want. And if it bothers other people, tough.

The neighbor, attempting to be reasonable, then suggested Scarlett simply open a window inside her apartment to vent the odor, to which Ms. Johansson replied, "Sure, I'll open the window, and that will fix everything."

Great attitude there Scarlett. Very mature.

The next person who says, "Scarlett is old beyond her years," needs to get slapped in the face. And the next slap after that should be reserved for that self-absorbed little fish-lipped twat herself.

Tom and Katie to Release Record?

Just when you think you've heard everything, along comes news that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes may be planning to release a record.

And just what in the hell would possess Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to think the world wants to hear them sing together? Do they think we've all gone as stark raving nuts as they are?

Apparently, this insane idea began as a serenade. At their wedding reception, Tom burst into a rendition of You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling, which he also famously sang in his movie Top Gun. And the assembled masses reacted so positively to Tom's crooning that now he wants to record the thing, with Katie's dubious assistance.

Doesn't Tom realize that the people at his reception were just being polite when they told him what a good singer he was?

This is such typical famous-person thinking. "I sang a song spontaneously for my wife at a private affair, and everyone said they liked it, so that means I should make a record out of it and sell it." Is there no one in Tom's life who can tell him the truth - that this is a terrible idea that will only end up embarrassing him?

Woe unto those who have no real friends, but are surrounded by sycophants and yes-men. Now Tom, because no one ever disagrees with him about anything, thinks every idea that pops into his over-sized head is the greatest thing anyone's ever conceived.

And poor Katie's got to get dragged into this over-indulged idiot's delusional dreamworld too. She was so much better off as a Catholic girl. At least those people are crazy in a normal way.

Tom Green Defends Michael Richards. Yup, Tom Green.

Ever wonder what happened to Tom Green, the one-nutted MTV prankster whom Drew Barrymore was married to for about as long as it took for the drugs to wear off? No? Me either. Apparently he's still around though, and he's keeping up on current events. Like the recent Michael Richards unpleasantness. Seems Mr. Green is on Richards' side in this one. Which must be a real comfort to Richards. I mean, who better to argue for your reputation than a man whose greatest moment was starring in a music video about rubbing your butt against things?

In case you're curious, here's what Tom Green said in his blog about Richards' infamous racist tirade:

Unlike Mel Gibson, who probably does hold racist attitudes, I don't think Michael Richards doesn't like black people. I think he was just trying to say the craziest and most vile thing in that room he could possibly muster. And I think he dug deep, into the darkest corners of his mind, to say those evil things to those men.

But he did it in a small room, in an exchange, during a performance, and it wasn't meant for us. It was just meant for that room. So why don't we just let them settle it? Let's leave Michael Richards alone.

Wow. Tom Green not only knows what's inside Michael Richards' mind, he also knows what's in Mel Gibson's. This guy has crazy powers. Just like the cop on Heroes who used his mind-reading ability to trick his wife into loving him again.

My God - now we know how he managed to nab Drew!

Brad and Angelina Dig Southeast Asian Shitholes

Super-carers Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tool around Ho Chi Minh City on a motorcycle. Notice that Angelina's halo remains firmly in place.

Ah, Ho Chi Minh City. That wonderful stink of shit-filled river water and frying dog meat. Sounds like just the place for a vacation - if you're from Cambodia.